Positive Intention

Consider a parent-teacher meeting in a school. The marksheet has just been handed over, the mother looks at her child’s results, and on the way home she begins yelling at him. Perhaps she even hits him and says, “How many times do I have to tell you to study? What will happen to you if you continue like this?” now this is a complex human expression in itself, and there are many layers to what is happening explicitly. If we look at what has happened only at the level of behavior, we see a mother hitting and shouting at her child. But this is where we’d make a very important distinction. Can I separate the person from the behavior and become curious about what the behavior is trying to accomplish for that person? When I do that, I may discover that this mother wants her child to succeed. She may be deeply concerned about what these marks could mean for his future. She may believe that if he does not learn now, there will be consequences later for him, for her and perhaps for the whole family. She may be carrying fear about that future and may have learned that force and pressure are ways of making a child take something seriously. The behavior is what she is doing. The intention is what she is trying to achieve through doing it. This distinction lies at the heart of one of the familiar NLP presuppositions, usually expressed as “Underlying every behavior is a positive intention.” The idea is to separate the intention (purpose) behind an action (behaviour) from the action itself. The intention is understood as something the person values or is attempting to accomplish for themselves, even when the behavior they have chosen is ineffective or harmful. This does not make hitting acceptable, nor does discovering the intention remove responsibility for the behavior. It simply gives us another place from which to understand the person. We can ask, “What is this behavior doing for her?” rather than stopping at “What is she doing?” And once we begin asking that question, two skills become important. The first is the ability to separate a person from their behavior. The second is the ability to elicit the intention behind that behavior. When we can do both, we begin to see that a behavior and the intention behind it are not the same thing. A person can choose a behavior that is painful, ineffective, or damaging while still pursuing something that, from their own point of view, has value. This is why it's called positive intention. The word positive refers to the purpose the person is attempting to fulfill, not to a judgment that the behavior itself is positive.

What we are looking at here is a complex human expression in itself. There are layers of what is happening explicitly, and at the same time, there are layers operating implicitly that may not be available to the person in the moment. Once I begin to recognize this, the idea of positive intention takes me somewhere beyond simply understanding a technique. It brings me into a deeper understanding of compassion and empathy. The moment I am willing to look for the intention behind a behavior, I can begin to hold that intention separately from the behavior itself. I can recognize that the behavior may be inappropriate, harmful or completely out of context, while still being willing to understand what the person is attempting to accomplish through it. This distinction is important therapeutically. I am not required to approve of the behavior in order to understand the intention behind it. I can recognize that a behavior needs to be addressed and, where appropriate, that there may need to be consequences for it, while also making space for the intention that sits underneath it. That space can become important because, for the client, the behavior is doing something. It is serving some purpose, meeting some need, protecting something, creating some internal experience or moving them toward an outcome that matters to them. The behavior may be anachronistic in relation to the context they are living in today, but it may still make sense when we understand the learning history from which it emerged. If they had access to a more effective choice at that time, they may have chosen differently. In this sense, “if they knew better, they would do better” becomes more than a compassionate statement. It becomes a useful therapeutic position. I can separate the person from the behavior, understand the intention, and hold space for that intention while the person develops new behavioral choices. The aim is not to preserve the old behavior because it once served a purpose. The aim is to respect the purpose sufficiently that the person can begin to find other ways of fulfilling it. As new choices become available, the person can learn to respond in ways that are more appropriate to the present context, more effective in achieving what matters to them, and more congruent with who they are becoming.

There is an important distinction to make here. Understanding the positive intention behind a behavior cannot become an excuse for the person to continue that behavior. If the behavior continues, it becomes a learning opportunity, but that learning also requires us to recognize that there must be a boundary around behavior that causes harm. Understanding why someone does something does not require me to keep receiving it. This is where the person on the receiving end needs their own set of skills. I need to be able to recognize the intention behind another person’s behavior and, at the same time, know how to set a clear boundary and communicate that boundary effectively. One without the other can become difficult, particularly in intimate relationships, close personal relationships and even professional relationships. It can be especially confusing when I understand what the other person is trying to achieve and, because I can see the positive intention, I begin to make space for more of the behavior than is healthy for me, for the relationship, or for the other person. Understanding can then slowly become an acceptance of what I am not willing to live with. That is not the purpose of learning positive intention. The skill is to hold both truths at the same time. I can understand their intention and still say no to the behavior. I can hold compassion for the intention and still protect my boundaries. I can remain connected to the relationship while making it clear that this particular way of behaving cannot continue. Especially important in close relationships, because our ability to understand another person can sometimes make it harder to recognise what is happening to us. We may become so occupied with understanding their fear, their history, their intention or their need that we stop attending to the effect of their behavior. The work, therefore, is not simply to understand the person who is behaving. It is also to develop enough awareness, communication, and boundary-setting skill to remain responsible for our own experience within the relationship.

If every behavior has an intention, then this understanding can also take us into the way we relate to our own body. A symptom can be understood as a form of communication from the body, an expression that is asking for attention. A pain, an ache, a rash, a change in breathing or some other bodily experience can become an invitation to become curious. What is my body communicating to me? Is there something I have not been paying attention to? This does not mean that every symptom has a psychological meaning, or that physical symptoms should be interpreted only through the mind. The body has its own biological processes, and appropriate medical attention remains important. What it does mean is that I can become curious about my experience rather than moving past it without listening. The mind and body are systemic in nature, and what happens in one part of the system can influence what happens elsewhere. The same curiosity can then be brought into our relationships. If I can become curious about another person’s behavior and ask what intention may be operating behind it, I can also turn that curiosity toward myself. What is happening in me as I continue to tolerate this? What am I accepting? What am I choosing not to communicate? What is preventing me from setting a clear and assertive boundary? This becomes particularly important when I am negotiating something that matters deeply to me. I may have clearly defined criteria. I may know my non-negotiables. I may even have an evidence procedure that tells me quite clearly that those criteria are not being met in this relationship. Yet I remain. At that point, the question becomes more interesting than simply asking why the other person continues their behavior. I can ask myself, what is keeping me here? What am I getting from staying? What intention might be served by my tolerating, accepting, accommodating, or not setting a clear boundary? There may be something I am attempting to protect, preserve, avoid, maintain, or receive. The positive-intention frame can therefore move in both directions. I can use it to understand another person without excusing their behavior, and I can use it to understand myself without judging my own choices. The deeper inquiry is not only, “What is this person doing and why?” It is also, “What am I doing, why am I doing it, and what is this behavior attempting to accomplish for me?” That is where the presupposition becomes a practice of awareness rather than simply an idea about human behavior.

As you come to the end of this article, I would like you to take a moment and make a list of anything that is bothering you, if there is something that comes to mind. You can explore it at three different levels.

1. Is there a person who is bothering you? If so, begin by separating the person from the behavior. What exactly is the behavior that is bothering you? This is where you begin to chunk down and become precise about what you are responding to.

2. Is there something in your body asking for your attention? Is there a part of your body that is affecting your movement or flexibility? Is there pain, discomfort, tension, or something that has already manifested physically? Become curious about what you are experiencing while also giving the body the appropriate care and attention it requires.

3. Is there a behavior that is bothering you, and are you curious about why it affects you in this particular way? Ask yourself, “What is it about this behavior that bothers me?” And then go one step deeper. “What does this mean to me?” “What am I responding to?” “What is important to me here?” This is where the inquiry turns inward and begins to tell you something about yourself.

The same curiosity that helps us understand another person can become a way of understanding ourselves. We begin with what is happening outside us, become curious about what is happening within us, and then explore the intention that may be operating beneath our own responses. Perhaps this is one way of understanding ourselves from three different directions: through the people and behaviors we encounter, through the communication of our own body, and through the meaning we give to our experiences.

I hope this article has been meaningful to you. I will see you on the journey.